Caramel
by TheMockTurtle
Summary: "The thing with the taste of chocolate, was that it became predictable and after having it continuously the rare consumption and indulgence of caramel seemed heavenly and a surprise in every moment. Sirius Black was caramel." ONE-SHOT


**Caramel- that would be the way I would describe it. **The appetite for something sweet and different, the need to nibble something out of the usual while everyone longed for chocolate. Chocolate… everyone wanted it. It was expected from a girl like me to want chocolate, every conventional girl could tell you their need for something sweet would be satisfied with chocolate. I don't deny it, I wouldn't. Chocolate was what I was, ironically, faithful to. I indulged on it on a daily basis in the Gryffindor Common Room, around the Hogwarts grounds, and even once in a while in my dormitory in the middle of the night after the feast.

The difference between my satisfactions with chocolate is that no one would believe I would indulge in caramel so scarcely and refuse chocolate when I've had enough of the taste. Other than that, it wasn't evident I craved caramel every so often- I was a conventional chocolatier. The whole of Hogwarts knew I embraced chocolate, even caramel was aware that my first choice to ease my sweet tooth would always be chocolate. But chocolate wasn't as smooth and surprising as caramel, it didn't fold and lap the way caramel did. The thing with the taste of chocolate, was that it became predictable and after having it continuously the rare consumption and indulgence of caramel seemed heavenly and a surprise in every moment. Sirius Black was caramel.

The thought alone made the prickling heat of my neck creep up to my cheeks. Sirius Black, you would believe was chocolate. Every girl longed for it, conventional and predictable, but not for me. Not for orthodox Lily Evans whom walked down the corridors arm in arm with chocolate, James Potter. The confession alone seemed horrid in magnitude and it only left me to dread the unpleasant reality of the action. Sirius Black was the smooth soft folds of caramel that captivated every taste bud and sense in you. And he certainly did for me. Sight, scent, taste, touch, and sound. It could not be denied that Sirius Black looked as delightful as the sheen of the folds of caramel under the Great Hall's lighting. I was only human in being able to see this; it would be robotic not to be phased by Sirius Black's haughty expression set on his handsome bone structure. The dangling black tresses that hung in front of his cold, stone, grey eyes were temptation for anyone who dared and longed to touch the silk ebony locks.

This had never been my intention. This was not what I had planned. These were mere emotions fueled by infatuation of his sex appeal. I- we never meant for it to happen, but just as the habit of chocolate desserts begin, so does the familiarity of why caramel is a perfect substitute. I could remember the rush of emotions the first time…it… the nibble of caramel… happened. During Christmas break we had all gathered around together, every seventh year Gryffindor, and although Marlene McKinnon and Mary Macdonald were at his disposal, he hadn't kept those chilling grey eyes off of me. It had been this way for a while. The lingering tension among us, the uncertainty of the morality behind it all, the temptation that was finely snipped away at last.

Months and excruciating weeks of playing the 'What are they thinking?' game- all threaded apart in a deserted park near Spinner's End. The circle of Gryffindors had begun stable until finally swaying into ovular shapes and finally breaking apart as the level of alcohol in the bottle grew less and less and higher and higher in our blood stream. It has been a cold December night, the eve before New Year's Eve but the firewhiskey had no doubt given us the altered confidence and warmth we hadn't possessed physically. While Marlene and Mary hugged each other singing carols to the top of their lungs, Remus looked on with the most sloshed expression I could faintly remember, Alice and Frank had made their way home early with Alice being a lightweight, and Peter was already opening the fourth bottle- he as well was so heavily intoxicated he would begin his sentences and give up half way through.

James looked on with the emptying bottle to his lips and frowned immediately as he saw Peter thump over. He had finally passed out, and with right logic seeing how much Peter drank in comparison to the rest of us. I sat very still, a drunken smile splayed on my face, and hugging myself despite the warmness I was already experiencing. Having stopped on the second round of: "Never have I ever…" I knew from the immense tingling in my fingers and toes how intoxicated I was beginning to feel. James was on his feet barely walking in a straight line to check on Peter, his expression (so predictably concerned) sobered up. He announced he would take him home via the Knight Bus and wait for him to wake up. I saw he was directing his conversation to Sirius, who had sat on the ground the whole time with snow dusted around his handsome face, and I realized he had been staring at me dead on for several minutes possibly.

He didn't flinch or redirect his line of vision elsewhere the way he normally would in the Great Hall or in the Common Room. No, there was something different about his expression this time- it wasn't faltering in confidence and he didn't seem ashamed of me to have caught him staring at me so intently. There was something so terrifying yet exciting about the way he was watching me. His gaze was fixed with his grey eyes in proper tone to the weather, something soft but determined laced together managing to make me aware of cold it actually had been.

It could have been the effects of the alcohol, but I didn't break eye contact. I suddenly felt just as confident as he was appearing to be and everything inside me was yelling to say what I wanted to say, but I couldn't. This exchange that occurred between us was enough for us to confirm that the stolen glances, the sheepish brushing of hands and robes in the Common Room, and the diminishing in conversation had all been for the same reason she had been staying up late fantasizing over the possibility.

James spoke, he announced he would see us on New Year's Eve, apologized and sloppily kissed the top of my head. He directed his attention back to Sirius, oblivious and too intoxicated to realize the intense exchange between Sirius and me.

"Make sure she gets home safe, yeah?" but he didn't wait for a reply, he heaved a semi-conscious Peter on one of his strong Quidditch shoulders before waving good bye to Mary, Marlene, and Remus who all were stuck in a drunken diplomatic debate.

Sirius' gaze faltered to flicker between James' back and to my now unnerved figure. It was as if I knew something was going to happen and my body was agreeing with the possibility because it rose off of the bench I had claimed for majority of the evening.

My mouth found itself forming the words my brain was projecting, "I- I want to go home." I remember my heart beating so hard against my ribcage I was sure Remus or Marlene might've turned around to see where the noise was coming from. I had suddenly grown colder and colder, a faint heat rising from my neck to my cheeks. The rush of premonition felt amazing and daring over something so eminent to occur. It was dangerous, wrong, exhilarating, but most of all it was very likely. It was very likely that by the end of the night my first craving for caramel would be satisfied after agonizing months of dreaming of it. The walk was silent, we didn't even said good bye to the rest of the Gryffindors, it was if we were both just trying to rush into what we both knew for months was bound to happen. It felt desperate and pathetic, but there was nothing more on my mind than '_When_?' When would be the moment we both knew we wanted, or… did we?

My breathing hitched and the cold kept consuming me, I tugged my scarf closer and tried to push the idea out of my head. What if in reality it had been just me thinking all along these past months weren't about unattainable desire? If it were indeed true… why hadn't it happened before in deserted a Common Room or empty corridor? I felt foolish so suddenly and horrid, but I kept pace with Sirius, the snow crunching loudly under our boots reminding me of the crunching steps James had taken to walk away. But it stopped, the crunching stopped as we both stood at my front door, the alcohol was still coursing through me and the sudden stop made the light headed sensation resume. I didn't curse it; I welcomed it knowing it was there to ease my nerves and thoughts.

When I looked Sirius was already staring at me with the same gaze he had held in the park. It was much more intense this… close… His face, if even possible, was even more gorgeous under the dim flickering porch light. His grey eyes were trying to convey something he didn't seem to be able to say, being this tipsy I couldn't even begin to decipher other than longing. The way a child longs for something he can't attain, that was the expression I could see etched into his pointed bone structure. His cheeks, rosy from the cold with stray stubble, his chin strong set to his jaw that although shaven was clear how perfect the imperfection of visible growing thick black hair was, his nose not too slender and pointed, his cold firm lips… and those one or two ebony locks that fell directly into his eyes were … tempting.

With a slender hand, I initiate the clear message I had once doubted we both conveyed in the park. Delicately, while breaking eye contact, I pushed and ran my left hand at first so very hesitant then confidently through the smooth tresses… smooth… caramel. My chest tightened and my eyes softened… so smooth, just as I had imagined all those late nights in the dormitory. I held my breath in anxiousness to see his reaction- it hadn't wavered. His still watched me with the eyes of a searching determined child. I still held my breath, this was happening, it wasn't a fantasy or a dream. Sirius had let me touch, no- caress, his hair affectionately and not in a friendly way… in a tender way that lovers do. He said nothing. I said nothing. We remained at a standstill with my hand coming back from the ends of his hair, which reluctant, fell forward to his eyes again.

Gingerly, I saw his own left hand come up and confidently, but tenderly take my freezing hand in his larger just as cold one. My breathing became irregular, I couldn't keep eye contact anymore, instead my dizzying head from what was happening plus the alcohol focused my attention to my freckled hand in his pale one- paler than James'. Like caramel… lighter than chocolate. Taking shaky uneven breaths I found the courage to look back up at him. Sirius' gaze softened from determined to comfort. He appeared relieved almost.

Nothing was said, there was no noise around us apart from a cricket chirp every once in a while. Our eyes were locked in a merciless battle of uncertainty. Uncertain, because although we had boldly moved so far, it was still unbelievable it was actually happening. There was a crunch of snow, but I wasn't startled, it was his foot coming closer to close… the space between us. Sirius was closer now…closer than he had ever been… and it felt amazing and invigorating. I could smell him now, although the smell of wet snow filled the atmosphere, I could smell Sirius Black and it smelt… almost as gorgeous as he was, if a scent could be beautiful, it would be Sirius Black's. He wasn't musky… nor was he sweet…it was a stinging scent that was smooth and rich… like caramel. All laced together to make me hazier than I had ever been.

His eyes were flickering, oh those eyes, flickered between my eyes and our now laced warming hands. He was so close now that when I saw his eyes flash and pause on my lips, his expression become softer than I had ever seen Sirius Black look. My heart picked up speed, but my breathing was calming. There's that moment in certain situations where it seems like everything pauses, stops fully almost, and fast forwards crazily that it takes your mind several moments to register what exactly is happening. Shortly it's followed by a feeling of an outer body experience. This was one of those moments. I saw his eyes unmoving from my lips and his warm breath was now prominent on my right cheek. _'When did this happen_?_'_ When had he gotten so close I could feel his breath engulfing my icy cheek? But before I could retrace my steps to when Sirius Black had gotten too close for comfort, when had his head moved in closer and- Caramel… just like that.

Sirius' warm lips were found brushing against my freezing own, pink tinged from the cold. The first brush was tantalizing and teasing, the moment had been so close that I didn't want to wait anymore, not after so many long months, but as soon as I was about to oppose the teasing- his lips claimed mine, wasting no time, being fervent and hasty, and submerging us both into the sweet and heavenly change. The kiss was warm, soft and passionate and I exhaled softly through my nose in complete satisfaction and comfort. Sirius Black tasted wonderful, even with the traces of alcohol, his tongue was soft as velvet as it toyed and teased mine, and it folded and smoothed over like caramel. This was the nibble- the bite out of what I knew Sirius had much more to offer.

The kiss grew needier and more zealous as he released his hand from our warming hand hold. His hands came up to meet either sides of my face, barricaded somewhat by rebellious red hair. Sirius stepped forward and I obliged by stepping back, my own quivering needy hands coming up to touch the cold black leather of the jacket. It wasn't enough; it wasn't what I was looking for. Pushing further into the kiss so our rhythm was in my favour, I managed to push my hands past the difficult gap of his arms that supported the hold on my face. Never opening my eyes, to not ruin the illusion and perfection of just savouring the forbidden change in taste, I let my hands find the smooth beauty spot flecked neck of Sirius Black. One hand lacing itself into the hairs on the nape of his neck while the other, although cold, rubbing past the small opening by his neck to feel for his tough broad shoulder. This was the first time Sirius had made any noise since the walk from the park- a reaction finally. He merely widened his mouth mid kiss to gasp for a fraction of a second before diving deeper and hastier into my mouth in approval and satisfaction. His hands had found their way to either sides of my hips and his thumbs were rubbing of what they could while his other for fingers gripped me as tightly as he could, pushing me further back until my back met the front door.

Sirius was becoming hastier and hastier, the kiss would break for fractions of seconds to only dive back in just as quickly, his body coming to press completely down my own and the pressure and heat was became an intoxicating mixture. The sounds of his leather jacket as his chest came down on me, his boots crunching the snow to get closer, the faintest noise our lips made when moist and pulling apart, and the smallest rumbling in his throat were what drove me into arching my back to allow my body, although wedged between Sirius and the door, to be consumed by his heat entirely.

Like a long train ride, the tracks eventually slowed and came to a halt, and so did the kiss. Afraid to open my eyes as I felt him slowly pulling away I opened alone in fear of losing the heat. His face, so close to mine still allowed me to see his eyes were focused on my lips with heavy eyelids. He looked calm, too calm. Both of us stood, breathe heaving so hard it could be seen in the air, and completely tangled in each other. Revelling silently in the dispersing tension among us from the past months we came apart.

That had been the first time I had given into the taste of caramel, to satisfy myself from a break of chocolate. Not much was said that night after the kiss on my porch; he managed to eventually pull away completely. We searched each other for answers, but in our haze from the kiss and the alcohol we found it pointless to explore.

It had not been the last meeting and the following had been uneasy and awkward without the aid of firewhiskey to boost our confidence. Needless to say we were embarrassed to even be in the same room, until gradually without speaking about it or making reference to it, it faded away and soon enough we found ourselves by chance in an empty corridor by a tapestry. The same look had taken over his face as he saw me rounding the corridor; although now sober I was able to see guilt, yet longing in the familiar gaze. He seemed so hesitant but willing. We halted to a stop as we were about to pass each other and nervously and awkwardly we found our hands on each other again, lips just as passionate and familiar as the first night. Needless to say the encounters got easier, not as frequent, but they were never planned-they just happened. Such as finding each other alone in the Common Room after hours. The funny thing about Sirius and me, we never spoke alone before or after our run-ins happened, not even for polite conversation. We only spoke among other house and class mates. It was this unspoken passion and desire we both shared that neither of us found point in formulating to one another. The only thing close to private conversation was after our encounters ended that we seemed to want to say something, but no doubt it was about the guilt.

Understandably, it was despicable thing that was happening between Sirius and me. I was with James, who was Sirius' best mate and we were… The reason I believed none of us had voiced a single word was because there was nothing needed to say. No flirting, no courting, and no intense desire to say '_Kiss me_.' because regardless it all happened. Speaking would also give dangerous ground to saying how wrong all of this was and putting a stop to it, and as sensible people we knew better, but being human… we didn't want to. It had of course, gotten out of control at one point. Undoubtedly, my first preference for any dessert was chocolate… and caramel knew that. Though, it was evident it wasn't always okay. Playing around with James in the Common Room once had turned Sirius sour.

James had pulled me down onto the couch and began smothering me with kisses in attempt to tickle me, which I had predicted. In a frenzy to release myself he had shouted out to Sirius to come and help to keep me down. Sirius I could see did not seem amused, his expression was a mixture of blank and sullen and merely got up while muttered something about retuning Moony's notes.

Sirius was tugging at my lower lip with both of his then teased it with teeth softly. I gasped quietly and melted back into the folds of his lips. His lips slid against mine as I stood between his legs in the abandoned classroom on the third floor. Incidentally, he had been assigned detention to scrub the floors without magic and I had been assigned to oversee him. His detention, as I walked through the doors, had turned into a heated hour of kissing and tugging at each others clothes. He sat on a table top, his legs dangling, and drawing me near by the small of my back which felt hot just by his touch through my grey cotton school vest. Sirius' hand had run one or two times right under the hem of the vest, he was hesitant to go any further than just the border. I noticed he kept his tie neatly around his neck assuming that he realized I enjoyed undoing it myself. I did just so, pulling him closer with it and stringing it off of him. Then my fingers began to do something new. They normally stopped at tugging away at his tie to make room to touch his neck with my still occasionally quivering fingertips, and recently my swollen lips, but now as he was pulling me closely I was undoing the first two buttons of his white linen school shirt (already having discarded of his vest in his dormitory).

My fingers found the newly untouched skin and Sirius took in a sharp breath, he pulled away to gaze at me with something new in his eyes. The longing had intensified and his lips were parted slightly and swollen from the hour we spent indulging ourselves. I shivered under his stare and without breaking the eye contact my fingers moved to undo another button. Sirius dove back into the kiss but not before sliding back on the long table top and bringing me up on it so we were both now sitting on the bench tables. My heart was racing unlike ever before, not even when James had become comfortable. I wanted whatever it was that Sirius was inciting in me more and more with every silent gaze he gave me and every sheepish attempt to pull away from the kiss to pause.

Even after a whole hour, Sirius' kiss hadn't turned sloppy or lazy. In contrast, he was fervent again and with more gusto, he was drawing me so close my legs had draped across his that were semi crossed and dangling off the table top. His hand went from tightly gripping my hip to tracing the skin by the hemline of my skirt. My hands pushed into his ever soft black locks and returned once more to his already almost exposed chest through the gap in his unbuttoned shirt I had made. Something was brewing in the pit of my stomach, like the night after the firewhiskey, but a hundred times more intense. It scared me, but scared me in a good way that I felt like a curious cat approaching an unfamiliar object. I wanted to unravel what the feeling growing was and I realized with every flick of Sirius' tongue the more eminent the feeling became. If only he kept doing that then I'd maybe know for sure why I did this. Why I sat in the abandoned classroom throwing my morals and trust away in the arms and lips of Sirius Black.

His lips tactfully manoeuvred in prestigious movements from my lower lip to trailing soft delicate kisses on my chin, down to the slope of my neck and resting there. I opened my eyes in a hurry, my breath caught in my throat where Sirius' lips were currently gently occupying. Never had Sirius Black kissed me anywhere else than my lips, never had he focused his attention anywhere else other than my lips with his and now- now, he was massaging the skin exposed by my skirt's hemline with his large pale hand. My eyes fluttered open quickly to the register what was happening, my mouth slightly ajar at the spectacular sensation coursing through my body due to Sirius' ministrations. The feeling evolving in the pit of my stomach was roaring in a mix of approval and anxiety. It felt liberating and fantastic and all I wanted was to continue unbuttoning Sirius' shirt.

My hands shaking and blushing from the increasing stirred sensation flew up to meet Sirius' smooth silky strands of black hair that due to the only light coming in from the windows seemed darker than usual (if it were even possible). Sirius made a deep noise in the back of his throat that vibrated against my own and made me clutch onto him even tighter. Unable to contain myself any further as the familiar feeling expanded, I reached around with one hand to the neglected buttons on Sirius's half opened shirt. My fingers more nervous than ever fumbled and wavered their confidence unlike before, and then Sirius softened his pace and movements on my neck in attempts to ease me. He moved further up my neck right underneath my ear and sent me into feverish chills. This allowed me to quicken the process, although fumbling just as much from the new feeling he was casting on me, but before I knew it I was down to Sirius' last button.

He found his way back to my lips and tenderly ran his lips over mine. Taking his time he kissed each lip separately and lightly. I looked at him through heavy eyes as he pulled away unsure if I was about to unbutton the last button and what exactly was my plan if I did. I wasn't sure myself and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be… and with that I unbuttoned the last button and it was ceremonious…liberating… exhilarating… and selfish. Sirius sat still, his grey stormy eyes watched my movements cautiously completely drawn to anything I was about to do. I could have flicked my hair out of my eyes and Sirius would have found it utterly alluring. He waited to watch with intense anticipation and interest what my next move was, but I couldn't think of that now. Not now when I had begun to experience something new between us. My hand that had found its way back from Sirius' soft locks were stationary by the last button and my eyes trailed up from there.

They trailed the soft skin that hid underneath his uniform every day, his pale smooth skin that gleamed without a single mark of imperfection. There were no scars, but there were fine dark hairs right above his belt where I could only let my imagination make my face flush and my head dizzy. Sirius was not built like an obsessed athlete, but without a doubt his abdomen was tough and firm with a beauty spot flecked in well thought out spots, his chest was flushed pink from the exertion in the past hour, and they all trailed up to his prominent collarbone that stretched out to his broad tough shoulders. In front of me I could see my freckled hand reached out to lie on his chest. If my eyes could have widened they would have, he was so firm and smooth and not cold at all despite his exposed skin.

Sirius shivered under my touch, as much as he might've wanted to hold it in he failed and only caused me to feel further interested. My other hand reached out and laid near my the one, my fingertips could feel the delicate skin underneath them and looked up to see Sirius gazing at me intently with the same look he had given me the night on my porch. He studied my face and I could feel his breathing growing ragged under my palms. The feeling in the depths of my stomach began to overcome the rest of me and I felt more daring than ever. Whatever this feeling was, it worked better than firewhiskey. My eyes landed back to my hands and I could practically begin to feel the heat radiating off of Sirius' body. In a quick bold movement they slid up to his collarbone and glided underneath the shirt to his shoulders and felt how firm they were skin to skin. I pushed the uniform button down shirt off of his shoulder and he shrugged them off completely. It fell forgotten in a heap on the ground. I looked up once more, his expression had not wavered- it never did. He seemed so sure, so determined on what he wanted, but right now he waited on my next move.

I could see the anticipation was running through him as his breathing did not steady and nor did mine. My breathing felt hot underneath my nose and catching on my swollen upper lip, but I didn't mind. More than anything I just wanted to feel Sirius right now. I inched closer to his face, but he remained still, his sight only dropping to keep an eye on my lips as I neared him. My hands ran from his shoulders, teasingly up his neck and cradled the sides of his jaw tenderly. I leaned in and planted a provocative miniature kiss on his waiting lips. His lips parted but I pulled back, his expression didn't dither once more, but I'm not sure if it did when my lips kissed the gap below his lips and before his chin. Trailing delicate kisses from his chin, I latched my lips finally on his Adam's apple and I felt the familiar vibration he made from the rumbling noise in the back of his throat. My tongue flicked out every so often to massage in circular motions before moving on, as I did his hands came to life again. They grasped at my waist and at the exposed skin of my outer thigh. Sirius' fingertips massaged circles at my thigh and poked hesitantly and cautiously right underneath the hem of my skirt and grasped from the top of my thigh as I moved to his collarbone.

Heat flushed my face, my chest, my arms, my stomach especially, and my legs now as Sirius boldly traced figures on the top of my thigh that hid under my skirt. The word 'more' was the only thing ringing in my mind. I felt warm everywhere and it wasn't an uncomfortable warmth- it was a curious warmth that made you prod it further to consume you entirely, and that was exactly what I wanted Sirius to do at this point. I wanted him to consume me. My tongue poked out from furtive kisses to trace his collarbone and I found myself trailing lower. My hands retracing already touched territory. I heard him gasp quietly every so often and clench my waist as he shivered under my lips. Sirius Black sat half dressed in front of me and nothing else spiked my adrenaline than the thought alone.

My fingers massaged his chest just to be able to feel the delicate flushed skin as my lips ran and covered what my bent position could. My head was dizzy, spinning, I could hardly believe I was doing any of this, but at the same time I didn't want to stop- I never wanted to stop. Consumed completely by passion I brought myself back up to capture Sirius' awaiting lips. He was a lot more forceful this time possibly from the enticing actions on my behalf, but he drew me closer if it was even imaginable. Now, I felt his bare chest covered in red marks from my teasing lips pressed against me as his mouth enclosed mine completely. His tongue no longer teased but fully gave what was rightfully mine. Complete satisfaction.

His hands were at my waist now with his fingers toying at the ends of my vest, unsure of what their next move was. Soon enough, with my hands running curiously around Sirius' shoulders and down his back for the first time, he shivered and broke the kiss to stare at me thoroughly. His hands took tiny steps until they were under my vest, my button down shirt a barricade between his warm hands and my bare skin. A soaring feeling of heat and blind elation began taking control of my mind. Sirius stared directly into my eyes for a reaction, for anything that might've been stirring, for what? I wasn't sure.

His hands took a hold of the ends of my vest and I could feel the euphoric sensation in my stomach spiking. Without any negative response on my behalf he inched the vest above my waist. My breath hitched as I realized exactly what this meant. In light headedness and elated rapture of the moment I found myself aiding him in the removal of my vest. It fell in a heap just as Sirus' uniform shirt did. We sat motionless, staring into each other before Sirius leaned forward, his eyes closing and blocking his stone cold eyes and his mouth gentle and unforgiving moved on mine, our breaths mingling with invisible desire. My hands tangled in his hair by instinct and nothing else mattered, nothing else did when his mouth crashed onto mine, except everything should have.

His hand travelled beyond the end of my skirt again and rested in familiar spots, except now his hands explored new areas. Areas that made me gasp louder than I should by the sheer nearness. My face was flushing harder and he was egged on by these noises and the scurrying for the skin on his shoulders. Sirius' fingers traced and caressed the insides of my closed thighs and I could feel my heart in my throat. I couldn't think, I could hardly breathe and I was sure I was digging my nails harder than I should into his bare back. The kiss was hungrier than it had ever been, but he knew very well how to control it as he brushed and grazed his tongue against mine. Sirius had done this before, Sirius had done this many times before that his ministrations felt perfected and unfaultable. The way his index inched nearer and nearer… never had I been ever touched like this, not with anyone, not even with… James.

"Stop."

Was the first word ever uttered between us in private. If I could have put money on any phrase, sentence or word that would have been said between us, I could honestly declare that '_Stop_.' would have not been one of them. Quickly, Sirius broke away, whatever remaining determination in his face disappeared. His hand retracted and I felt the feeling in the pit of my stomach turn from rousing to intensely cold and…guilty. It began to take over me completely that my draped legs retracted and hung lifelessly at the edge of the desk. Everything was rushing back to reality; everything that should have mattered now was beginning to matter gravely a hundred times more intensely than any other time. It was as if the room was coming to life right in front of me. The desks were forming again, the windows, the grounds beyond it, the cobblestone floor, and the heap of clothing from both our behalf. The latter seemed to be the most eminent out of everything in the room. Out of everything in the classroom it was the only thing that seemed more alive than Sirius and I.

Sirius didn't speak, he didn't move, and I wasn't sure he was even breathing. He must have been having the same thoughts that were keeping me quiet. James… James Potter… loving, friendly, _trusting_ James Potter. I could feel my head spinning, not the way it had the time Sirius cornered me in the Common Room at three in the morning, nor when I was on my night rounds and he got off detention by losing ourselves in each other's arms by sheer chance. It spun from all the thoughts I had been repressing, the thoughts that came crashing alive from the one word uttered between us that made the situation so much more penetrating. I could feel my chest tighten, my body tremble, and the sensation in my stomach was sickening. I couldn't be here, I couldn't look at Sirius and I was beginning to believe I could hardly look at myself. The voice in my head that was once screaming '_More_' was echoing my earlier protest again and again. My hands that were still tingling from Sirius' delicate skin on his chest flew to my hair to tug it back, tugging at my scalp to bring me back to reality- to sanity.

It was clear Sirius was surprised that words had even been in this encounter out of all encounters. It wasn't the first time I had thought of James when I was Sirius, but this time it was different. I wasn't comparing Sirius' tactics with James'… I had begun to think how much further intimate wise I had gotten with Sirius than I had in my months of dating James. James and I had barely gone past hasty kisses and wondering innocent hands, none the less to have the nerve to strip each other of clothing. I didn't want to look at Sirius because I knew somewhere inside my head, although feeling guilty and terrible, I would shut it all away and want to give into his delicate skilled mouth.

I was so still that my arms had begun to tremble, Sirius didn't move either. I could only heard his ragged breathing through his now calming down. Just for that instant, that miniscule moment, I had wished I hadn't uttered a word.

I found it in me to pull myself off the table and stand awkwardly. I wasn't sure what I was about to do, I hadn't a guide to these situation and surely neither did Sirius. I grasped the table that previously sustained my weight for support. My legs felt wobbly from lack of use and the weakening sensation Sirius had once caused. There was just a pregnant silence hanging in the air.

I blinked harshly to remind myself of logical and intense Lily Evans who knew what to do in any given position. I had to think of something to say, anything to just push the weight that was growing on my chest away.

"Sirius…" my voice croaked and it felt weird acknowledging him for who he was: James' best mate, who he trusted more than anyone else. My lips trembled and suddenly everything came crashing harder in retrospective. I didn't dare look up to him again but I knew he had not moved because his legs were still on the edge of the desk.

I opened my mouth and closed it immediately realizing that there weren't exact words or phrases that worked in this sort of situation that didn't make us both feel horrid and despicable. Then it hit me… there weren't any easy or lenient words to us at this moment, because this is exactly how someone should feel. Dirty, guilty, and vile.

Somewhere within me I found the courage to speak up. I stared straight ahead to the leg of another table bench.

"This…" I began again, my fingers were grasping the table top so hard the tips turned white, "it- Sirius, I can't-" but the words weren't flowing the way they were stringing in my mind. Instead they tumbled out of my mouth in involuntary spasms. I realized how disgusting I felt touching the table spot where I had once been wrapped in Sirius' arms and pulled my hand away quickly.

My chest tightened, I stopped breathing, and a familiar tickle began in my throat that then spread to my nose and eyes. I realized now that I wouldn't ever be able to come into Charms without looking around and remembering exactly what happened on the desks.

Sirius still didn't speak and he was unmoving. It didn't help, none of it. Not his silence, my silence, the impending tears that were about to form, and the clustered thoughts of James' hazel eyes with sincere and pure thoughts of me.

I opened my mouth to try again and all I could manage was, "It needs to stop." And it was barely above a whisper.

Sirius finally reacted and basically came to life. He hopped off the table top and out of my peripherals I could see his hands stuffing into his pockets, still half dressed.

Finding it in me, I lifted my face to look at him. He wasn't looking at me; he was leaning against the table with his hands in his pockets, and staring straight ahead at absolutely nothing. If only… if only I could know what he was thinking… if he could just _say_ _anything_.

"Sirius…" I began in a short plea for him to comment, to give insight into his mind. He didn't flinch, he continued to stare, "I'm- I'm sorry." I said more definitively with the quivering in my voice vanishing.

Sirius didn't turn to look at me, "Me too." He finally said, his voice didn't croak but it was final and pointed. He said no more on the matter, he leaned there- shirtless, attractive, but most of all forbidden.

"We can't- I can't-" I started again with my hands fumbling in front of me just as my words did. If only the words could come easier, if only he could make this easier, but that was it. Nothing about this was supposed to be easy. You go in knowing the risk, complications, and injustice. This was just part of the universal punishment. I shuddered at the idea of what fate had down the line for me to restore balance for…this.

"I know, Lily." Sirius continued pointedly in a subtle attempt to silence me. He looked down to his shoes and scoffed. He obviously did not want to discuss the matter because he knew just as well as I did that we had both done something wicked to someone who had been nothing but pure to the both of us.

Regardless, I felt like there was more that needed to be said. It couldn't just end in clumsy words and pointed attempts to hush the other to avoid the guilt that the situation demanded. My stomach protested but I found myself turning to face Sirius, leaning my hip against the desk.

"James…" I began slowly and I saw him tense at the name alone, "James is a good person, he's done so much for you and he's been so good to me-" and it felt so wrong all of a sudden: saying such a pure name in such a tainted situation. We had become unworthy to even acknowledge him in the mess we had created.

"I heard, Evans." Sirius interjected a little harsher this time. He proceeded to bend over to pick up his discarded clothing and roughly put his arm through either sleeve.

I furrowed my brow watching his hostile actions, "I just… I mean, we haven't ever spoken about- about _this_, Sirius." I continued to prod. I wouldn't go down without a fight even if Sirius Black had decided to all of a sudden be difficult, "We actually don't speak _at all_."

He didn't look at me and only continued to lean back on the desk with his arms folded in front of him, "There's nothing to talk about, Lily." Sirius began with a little more patience than before.

Shocked I couldn't help but rouse into the statement, "Noth-nothing to talk about?" I said stunned, "Sirius, are you joking? There's absolutely something very drastic we need to talk about! We- we … what we're doing, it's _not_ right. The ki-ssing…and-" it came out forceful and the situation began to feel more and more realistic and not a fantasy I had been having in my dormitory.

"I know that alright, Lily?" Sirius snapped and turned his head to finally face me. His eyes were set cold on me, frustrated and pensive, "Don't you think I _know _that? That every time I walk into the sodding dormitory and see him I don't _think_ of it? Or every time he sits around and talks about you, don't you think I _feel_ it?" he gestured harshly with his hands.

"I stay awake at night and all- all I can think about, Lily, is _you_ and how wrong it is but how amazing it bloody makes me feel."

"Sirius…"

"No, Lily." He turned to look away, "You don't understand. He's like a brother to me, since the first train ride to Hogwarts there has been nobody else that has _cared_ and taken me in the way he has. And you know what I think to myself?" It was rhetorical but I could see in his hardened expression he might've wanted me to say it for him so he didn't have to.

"I think… of what a bloody coward and shit friend I am to him." He said venomously, "The ungrateful prick I am. Taking his- his _trust_ and friendship and doing …_this_." Sirius finished before running a hand down his face and through his hair.

I stared at him for the longest of times. My heart was beating furiously and his words just made the feeling of guilt growing in my stomach explode.

"This ends here, then." I found myself saying after a long thought provoking pause. My hands were knotted so tightly together that I could hardly feel my pinky. I looked down to them and could only think of how they explored Sirius' skin. I clenched my eyes furiously and took a shaky breath to cleanse myself of the thought.

Sirius wasn't being quiet anymore, he let out a mirthless laugh, "Lily," he began shaking his head, knowing etched in his voice, "you don't know how hard it's going to be to stop. Not now when we're in this deep."

I couldn't help but stare at him in confusion. _In this deep_? What exactly had he meant by that?

"Wha- what?" I moved to grasp the table in support to whatever theory Sirius might've thrown my way.

"Don't act so surprised, Lily." He said softly, shaking his head. He still refused to look at her, "This, whatever this is, it's not as easy as it sounds to stop."

My heart quickened in fear of what he might say next. Thoughts running in my head of all the possibilities as to why he was saying this, but I feared for all of them not to be what he was bound to say next.

Sirius tilted his head with a sombre look on his face, "You and I, Lily, we feel something for each other and as much as we tried to have repressed it, it still managed to rear its ugly head." He turned his body to face me, his shirt still unbuttoned and distracting but his words were far more captivating, "When you see me, Lily, don't lie and say you don't feel something, like you don't want anything." I didn't object, I allowed him to continue.

"There's something about you that I just keep coming back for, even when I shouldn't." Sirius toyed with the tie in his hands, "No matter how many times I guilt myself and remind myself you're _not for me_, Lily- I still want you. Don't lie to me and say it's not the same because I haven't forced you. None of the times." And he was right.

Every encounter was not initiated by him; he hadn't ever forced himself on me or proposed it. It was magnetic and inevitable. Even here in the classroom, no matter how I attempted to keep my distance. Somehow, around fifteen minutes into the detention we had managed to grow close in distance and like magnets… we were drawn together. I had turned mid walk and so had he and like magnets became inseparable.

I remained quiet and my stomach sunk with the heavy truth of his words. They were sinking into my thoughts and in my ears, weighing down the guilt heavier on my chest.

He wasn't done; his eyes looked up to lock with mine.

"We want this just as bad as we don't want it. And there's nothing we can do to stop it- it's not possible, Lily," I opened my mouth to object, my eyes filling with tears. It felt as if something had tugged every cherished make belief story right under your feet and there was nothing you could do but embrace the crash.

Sirius' grey eyes searched my watering ones, "It's impossible because we see each other- every day, you're always with James," he didn't hesitate to say his name, but I couldn't help but wince, "I'm always going to be there, Lily, so unless you tell me right now, right here you don't feel a thing for me I'll walk out of that door (he brought his arm out to gesture to the locked door) and we both won't ever have to worry about this happening again."

As much as I wanted to say I didn't, as much as it meant doing the right thing, I wasn't able to because Sirius was right. Just as much as we didn't want this, the need to have it was equally bad. That's when the tears began. The trailed down my cheeks as fast as the gravity of how real and how messed up this had all become. In a matter of seconds, in short phrases, and in unspoken words things had gone from surreal to horror. I tried to stop the tears, but as much as I told myself to I couldn't. It was a gut wrenching feeling, a pain so invisible it could still make you want to double over and hide your face in shame. And right now I had no shame in crying, I didn't care that Sirius watched me concerned as I turned around and started walking. Walking where? I wasn't sure but I stopped by a window to look out into the grounds, anything but the sight in front of me that had made me feel so sick. My trembling hand came up to cover my mouth so my sobbing and wailing wouldn't be as loud in the emptying classroom.

All I could think of was how much I deserved this and so much worse. To think of the pain that James would feel I ever told him or if Sirius ever told him. The panic burst within me and I couldn't control my sobbing. As much as I scolded myself to stop, to be normal, that tears resolved nothing I couldn't bring myself to pause after every breath I took. Instead after every breath came a shakier sob.

A hand touched my shoulder and this only made me worse. His touch, his delicate touch I wish I hadn't enjoyed so much.

"Lily…" Sirius began softly and I shook my head frantically. I didn't want to hear anything else he had to say and right now I would take the blame for beginning to speak, instead of just walking out those doors and been ignorant to the truth that dangled among us until Sirius brought it down for me to acknowledge.

"Don't-" I practically gasped and tried to pull away from the hand on my shoulder, but Sirius protested and placed both his hands on either of my shoulders, "Don't touch me…" I wailed and shrugged his hands off before moving away. I couldn't see if Sirius was offended or hurt and I could have cared less at this moment. Sirius' feelings were not the ones that I was concerned with at the moment. And now all I could ask myself was _why_? Why had it happened? Why had they let it happened? What I felt for Sirius it was… superficial and immature. He resembled James in many ways, but why… why to the point where I wanted him so badly? What had it been about my boyfriend's best friend that had driven me to infidelity? It wasn't just looks. It couldn't be, right? There was more to Sirius and I had begun to discover it just as I had begun to discover James.

I turned on my heel to face him angrily, tears spilling rapidly from the corners of my eyes, "Why?" I spat angrily. Sirius didn't flinch, he stood stiff and his brow furrowed for a mere second then softened when he had understood the question.

"I could ask you the same, Red." Sirius exhaled harshly and tried to look anywhere but at me.

"No," I began angrier than ever and pointed an accusing finger at him, "No, you _don't_ get to play that coy, snarky, sarcastic bullshit, Black!" it only angered me further when I saw he didn't care much for my threats and furry. He continued to stare past my shoulder and anger boiled from the tip of my toes until I could feel it surging in my chest. How furious I had grown made me scared of myself but none the less I could play his game. I would not falter from anger.

"Answer me!" I barked angrily and with the accusing finger reached out I pushed his barely clothed shoulder with as much force as I could. Sirius still didn't look at me, he merely wobbled and caught his footing by stepping one foot back, and his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. Enraged I used both of my hands this time and pushed him again with as much as my build could against his taller one.

"_Bloody answer me, Sirius Black_!" as hard as I had tried to repress the tears one or two shed from each corner of my eyes and I didn't acknowledge them until they traced my cheeks. Furious at Sirius and his nonchalant act and furious that I could barely uphold his game I balled my hands into fists. They thumped against his chest until he turned to look at me and retrieved his hands from his pockets to grasp mine firmly in both of his larger ones. As angry as I was with Sirius Black I couldn't help but calm at the touch of him, but I couldn't let myself feel it. I blinked back angry tears and I tried to wriggle free.

I was panting and cursing every curse word I knew. Cursing everything he knew and owned, tiring myself as I kicked and cried.

"_Screw you, Sirius Black_…!" I said finally with one last wriggle before he drew me in close. Sirius' face was set stone hard and firm and my face was mere inches from his. He looked angry in the calmest of ways and it shook me to the bone. I tried once again to squirm free feeling how tight both of his hands were on my dainty wrists. The waning moon was what illuminated his harsh face; it's what illuminated the dead classroom. In any other occasion it would have been romantic, but the only affect it seemed to be having was a close distinction to a horror film.

"_Enough_!" barked Sirius and he did this in such an animalistic way. It was a warning, not an attack- at least not yet. None the less it worked, I stared at him with the angriest expression I could muster and I was sure my face was red from the irritation.

Seeing me breathing heavily and standing very still he released my wrists before turning around to the desk we had once occupied. He reached low to recollect my discarded article of clothing. It was silent for this mere moment as he walked to and fro. He held it out for me and I just stared at him, not the vest and snatched it out of his hand. I didn't put it on because I felt it would be too humiliating right now.

We stood staring at each other with hard set expressions and then he motioned for the door with his head, "Leave." was all he said before turning around to sit on a desk still half dressed. He pulled out a familiar gold carton box I had seen him toy with in the Common Room and in other occasions out of Hogwarts grounds. I watched him carefully as he paid no mind to me and reached for a long white stick. Cigarettes. Typical Sirius Black, of course.

I rolled my eyes, "You can't smoke that in here." I bit harshly before turning to look out the window just as he held his wand close to the fag in his mouth; his other hand covered the perimeter around it so it wouldn't blow out. I couldn't look at his barely dressed state, alluring as he was already and now to add onto it he looked like one of those muggle _Camel_ adverts with the male model is shirtless on the beach with sunglasses- absolutely irrelevant to the product being sold.

"Didn't I ask you to leave?" he muffled through the fag in his lips no doubt already smoking it from the smell infiltrating my nasal passage.

I turned my head alone to face him and made a face, "_Ask_?" I let out a mirthless laugh and it faded as I saw him take a long drag. The only light coming in was from the large windows and the burning tip of his cigarette and yet every part of him sitting on that desk was emphasized. Sirius Black was perfection. Annoyed with myself I ignored him right as he pulled up one leg on the table while the other dangled off the edge. He propped the hand sustaining the cigarette on the high knee. He exhaled and the smoke swirled around him. James didn't smoke.

"I'm _very_ certain you didn't ask." I said bitterly, "You stated. Commanded _even_, where _did_ you learn your manners?" Annoyed I folded my arms and stared at the shelf at my hip level.

"Evans," he began as patiently as he could, "I'm not going to do this little stunt with you-"

"_What 'little stut'?_"

"This biting off each other's necks, because all we're good at doing when we talk alone is bicker." Sirius argued, "Or haven't you noticed, Evans?" he added sarcastically and I felt my wet cheeks grow red in embarrassment.

He was right, once again. I hated that. All we ever did was disagree and argue every single thing, even if it was whether dinner should have been chicken or steak at the End of Year Feast.

I plucked up the courage to turn around and eye him suspiciously, "Then _why_ pray tell, do you _bother _with me? Why do you do _this_?" Sirius gave no immediate reaction but it was the first time I saw that silly smirk sprawl across his face. He turned his face downwards and brought the cigarette to his lips and taking in a thoughtful drag.

"Any day now." I hissed tapping my fingers on my crossed forearm. His face turned back up to look up me, still with his stupid expression. He opened his mouth slightly the way one did before they laughed and maintained it that way as he scratched his dark eyebrow with the thumb of his cigarette hand. The smoke slowly spilled out and he shook his head in attempt to spite me I was sure.

"Well?" I prodded and was growing steadily annoyed with the whole pointless arguments we were pushing.

"Evans," he began looking at me now, smirk still strewn across his handsome face, "you don't see it do you?"

I swallowed harshly and readied myself for another round of Sirius Black's theories.

Round 2. Fight.

"See what?" I hurried annoyed and stepped away from any near proximity of him.

I could hear Sirius let out a loud mocking exhausted sigh and I resisted rolling my eyes, "Are you going to keep doing this?"

"You're a bitch."

At this statement I turned around completely and utterly shocked. My mouth fell agape and I looked indignantly at him. How _dare_ he? After I snogged him and basically… basically… went further than I ever had with anyone he had the nerve to call me a _bitch_?

"Don't look so surprised, Red."

"Don't call me that."

"Evans," Sirius used that attempting to be patient tone, "What I mean is," he let his leg fall back down to the ledge of the desk and looked at me with the smirk.

"You're uptight majority of the time and you're essentially a good girl," he continued and I eyed him thoughtfully, not fully trusting where he was going with this, "I'm an insufferable git. Don't look at me like that, I know it. But that's the thing." Sirius stood up from the table and walked closer to me, I took an instinctive step back.

"You don't see that when you want to… _be_ with me," Sirius saw the uncertainty in my eyes, "You want something to make you feel different, to wind you down, to feel… I dunno- danger. Letting your hair down basically. You're so worried with school and being Head Girl and keeping this impression of everyone that you're so predictable and typical. That you're the ordinary girl who can be friendly to _anyone_, but you get tired of it. And that's where I come in," he took another long drag. He was closer now so I could smell the smoke stronger than ever.

Sirius grinned now as he must've noticed my expression falling, "I see it. I've always seen it, Evans, you have this fight in you and you're not ready to let others see it yet. And you feel that with me you can try and test the waters to see how well people would react to that fight. Who else could do it better than a rebellious, run away, blood traitor?"

I shook my head and gave him a disgruntled look, "That's ridiculous." and moved towards the teacher's desk to toy with the quill holder.

"Is it?" Sirius inquired as he turned to the closest desk to lean on it, "Why's that?"

"Because it's utter crap."

"But it's not."

"But it is."

"Then tell me, Evans," he prodded, "Why _is_ it that you seek me? You can't stop coming back for more? Why not Remus? Benjy Fenwick, maybe?"

_What?_ I turned to look at him and aggressively barked, "Oh, so you think me doing _this_ isn't because I just maybe possibly _fancy_ you? It's because it's some- some… _little project_ of mine?" I shook my head angrily and felt the ever dying need to hex him, "What do you take me for, Black." But it was rhetorical.

"Exactly," I raised an eyebrow confused now, "You _fancy_ me- using your words, love. You _fancy _me because I bring out that side of you you're not ready to show. You want to tame me to a sense, but you know you'll fail, you know it would be a hopeless case so you go for the alternative… walking a little on my side to get used to some of the kicks so you don't have to always be _typical Lily Evans_."

"I don't have to hear this." I hissed stepping away from Professor Flitwick's desk but Sirius side stepped me.

"Tut tut," he began and placed the fag back in his mouth, "You had your chance, now you've got to listen. _You_ were the one throwing the tantrum to know _why_." Sirius mocked my voice at the last part then laughed to expel the smoke.

I rolled my eyes and felt my cheeks flush in anger.

"I only do this because you're a good snog." As much as I wanted to believe this I myself couldn't convey it straight enough to Sirius and he noticed. He grinned playfully.

"I thought you said you _fancied me_, love."

"Stop calling me that."

"Evans, then." He dusted the ash off the cigarette to the floor, "Then, why do you think _I'm_ doing this? Can't be because I enjoy being dishonest to the closest mate I've ever had."

I scowled at him, he was taking it too far now, "I don't play your games, Sirius." I began and I felt my chest about to explode all over again, the tantrum was not far behind, "but if you want it the coy, casual, _I-don't-give-a-shit _Sirius Black way- fine." I stood back and crossed my arms.

Sirius awaited my explanation with the cigarette to his lips, toying with it between his teeth.

I glared at him, "Here's your on the surface analysis as to why you still _keep coming back to me_ dilemma." I leaned on the nearest desk, "You're jealous of James, and you always have been. You want what he has because you've been deprived of it so much you're entire life. No one at Hogwarts can deny James has had the most fulfilling and enjoyable life growing up. He's had it all: money, houses, attention, but most of all, which is what kills you is, his family. Then there's me. He fought for me since fourth year up until now and you saw how he got me so you thought to yourself 'Well, if he can, then why can't I? I can get her too, even if I have to prove it to myself with a snog or two, not that I actually have to love her.' And that's where you're wrong Sirius. You keep coming back, not because you don't know, you very well know it's _not enough_ for me to not be in love with you because somehow in that messed up head of yours you haven't _won_ or you haven't reached _James status_ if you haven't proved to yourself you can have everything he can-"

"Shut up." Sirius growled and turned away taking an extremely long drag now.

"Not so fun being on the other end, _is it_?" I let myself grin and looked at his expression awaiting anything other than a stern one.

"Shut up, Evans." He repeated with the same growling tone.

"I'm right and you know it."

"You talk bare shit."

"If it's bare shit why aren't you laughing it off as you do for everything else? Defence mechanism failing you?"

"You're a wicked wench, Evans."

"You're a psychotic mess, Black."

"_Bitch_."

"_Prick._"

"Get the fuck out, Evans!"

"Go to hell, Black!"

"See you there, _love_!"

I gave him one last scowling look before pushing past him. Only now I realized I was clutching my vest so tightly in my hands.

Before I completely passed Sirius I reached up to snatch the remaining of the cigarette from his mouth and stomped it to the ground. He let out a mirthless laugh and before I could continue to the door thinking that this was over, that there would be no more encounters after this spat- Sirius tugged me by my arm and pulled me back.

"Wha-?" but I couldn't finish my sentence because he had pulled me in so close to him I remembered how dizzy this proximity had made me feel. He was staring at me with an expression I hadn't seen on him before.

His eyes were softened, but they never lost their gleam of determination. And what he said next hindered the bridge we were so relentlessly trying to burn down.

"Kiss me." And we did.

Sirius' mouth was glazed with the taste of smoke and nicotine, but I didn't mind. My body felt alive again and all the anger welled up in my chest being expelled into the kiss. His hands reached up to cup my face and brushed my drying cheeks with his thumbs. I don't think Sirius or I realized that by opening our mouths we hadn't stopped nor controlled the situation like we both feared in silence before. We'd only manage to open Pandora's box.

Sirius Black was unpredictable and that's what kept me coming back to him.

We hadn't had another encounter after that incident until a long while when I was on my rounds. Checking almost every floor until I grew exhausted and bored, Remus said he was feeling peckish and that he would catch up with me later after he got a bite to eat. I kept going so that way I would be able to turn in early. The Astronomy tower was usually our last stop and being seventh years we took the task of covering it.

Reaching the last final steps and not seeing any couples I breathed a sigh of relief. Now I would only have to wait for Remus and we could both go to bed. I sat on the step before the landing of the actual Astronomy platform and waited.

"Fancy meeting you here, Red." Almost tumbling back on the steps in fright I looked up to see Sirius leaning against the frame leading to the Astronomy platform outside. He raised his hand to his lips and I saw through the dark night a burning red end. Cigarette. Soon he expelled the smoke as quickly as he sucked it in.

"I could say the same for you," I started, "I'm doing my job, so unless Dumbledore went mad and sacked Remus and made you Prefect instead I don't believe you should be out of bed at this hour." I rose steadily to lean against the wall of the stairwell.

"Ouch…" Sirius mocked and smiled none the less. His expression paused there to only register me up and down, "Not friendly."

"What are you doing?" I began shifting nervously under the look he was giving me.

Sirius' eyes came up to meet mine and held up the cigarette, "Came out for a smoke. Pete was getting allergies so I was considerate to take it elsewhere. Not gonna put me in detention for being a good friend, are you, Red?"

I gave him a lopsided look, "_Sirius_…" I began warningly and crossed my arms.

"Alright, alright," He chuckled and tossed his head closer to the frame, "Sorry, I'll be right to bed after this one- just like a firstie." I wondered if he found it weird like I did. Witty banter and discussing like we've never ravished each other, but then again I doubted it because Sirius Black didn't know the word 'shame'.

I rolled my eyes and he exhaled some smoke causing me to wrinkle my nose and made a face. He must have noticed because he walked back out to the platform. I climbed the last steps and stepped out into the night air. Absolutely everything was dark, the only light being from the sky itself.

Sirius was leaning over the stone wall far from the telescopes, "Never fancied Astronomy much," he looked over the stone wall as he dusted the ashes off his cigarette, "being brought up into it like it's some sort of religion at home."

I let a small smile play on my lips, "I actually remember a rather bold and annoying first year who, when caught talking and had to answer a question, knew it all already."

I saw a smile splay on Sirius' mouth and he turned around to put his elbows to rest on the wall's ledge. I took small steps in the brisk night air to stand next to him. My heart was already beating harder than it should, maybe I could prove to myself that I didn't have to be consumed by Sirius.

"I was a bit of a show off, wasn't I?" his continued to smile at me and I shook my head. I gazed over the stone wall where I could distinctly see the Forbidden Forest and Hagrid's Hut.

"_Was_?" I started mockingly, "_A bit_? Don't be so _modest_ now." I grinned looking over at him; he was already gazing at me with that familiar look in his eyes. Longing, desire, curiosity, and determination all mixing together to make me weak in the knees.

"What're you doing up here?" Sirius asked concerned and brought the cigarette back up to his lips. He exhaled waiting for my answer.

"I told you," I wrinkled my brow, "I'm on my rounds."

He shook his head, "No, I mean Remus, I know you patrol with him."

"Oh, he's down by the kitchens," I recited briskly and turned to look back over the stone wall, "I decided to go away and finish. So, I'm just waiting for him now."

"So," Sirius started slowly, "He's in the kitchens?"

I nodded growing steadily and propping my arms on the stone wall's ledge and leaned forward, "That's what I _said_, Merlin, have you got a hearing impair-" but I never got to finish my sentence. I hadn't sensed it. I should have, but now I immediately felt daft as I felt one of Sirius' arms snake it's way around my waist, I could feel his body pressed against my entire back and his lips were right behind my ear.

My breath got caught in my throat, but I said nothing. I didn't move and waited for Sirius. The cigarette was still lit because I could still smell it; he used the hand he was holding it with to brush my hair away from my ear, the one near his lips. I heard him take one last long drag before throwing it on the floor and stepping on it. I could feel his hot breath of smoke when he exhaled near my ear. His lips brushed tenderly at the curve of my ear.

"Sirius…" I managed and failed to sound reprimanding.

"Shh…"he cooed softly and let his lips return their innocent brushing.

His breath tickled my ear and so did his soft lips making the heat already surge through me.

"Missed you, Red…" He whispered right next to my ear. My body involuntarily shivered against him, my hands were clutching the stone wall tightly, and my breathing was becoming ragged.

I opened my mouth to say something but only a gasp escaped as Sirius kissed down to the spot right below my ear, his hand was parting my hair away to the other side. My hand found his that massaged circles into my waist.

"Sirius…I…" I tried to begin, but he wouldn't have it. Sirius moved down to the centre of my neck and my words grew hazy in my mind, "Si-Sirius… Stop, I- Oh, Merlin." I whispered and felt him smile against my neck.

"Stop…?" he mocked from my neck between kisses, his breath on his kisses only intensified the sensation in my stomach, "But you seem… so into it, Evans…" Sirius continued his task to make my knees buckle.

"I'm serious…" I attempted again and felt his breath when he chuckled, "Hush- it wasn't planned- I…" but his hand was already underneath my sweater's hemline and for the first time Sirius' bare hand touched the skin on my torso.

I shot my hand instinctively to his hair from my position. My breathing was growing uneven and Sirius' chest pressed harder into my back. All I could think about was the night in the classroom and this stirred me out of my paralysed state. I turned around and caught Sirius' lips with mine after what seemed like centuries, relishing in the taste that was Sirius Black. God, his lips felt amazing, his tongue, his taste, Sirius had everything to drive me mad.

His hands were underneath my sweater, one caressing the small of my back, the other running over my stomach and side. The sweater was ridding up more and more and Sirius grew possessive. He walked back until I was against the stone wall. My own fingers weaved patters in the back of Sirius silk tresses that smelled of spices today. After what seemed like hours the kissed slowed its pace and he leaned his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly trying to regain mobility in the rest of my body.

"Well," Sirius said softly, I could hear the smile in his voice, "I didn't know that was part of your Head Girl duties, Evans."

I opened my eyes to see he was staring down at me with playfully grin on his face.

"Hush…" I said quietly and leaned up to brush our lips together once more. Sirius obeyed and leaned into the simple kiss.

"I should get back-" I started pulling away slightly, but Sirius held me in place. The sound of my heart pounding in my ears was just as loud as before. I could feel each finger that held my waist and repressed a shiver when I remembered where they had roamed. It had been getting late and I didn't want Sirius to get in trouble trying to sneak back to the Common Room.

"No…" he murmured, "Not yet, just a few more seconds." And I obliged understanding exactly what Sirius meant. Every encounter had been unplanned; it had been sheer chance and sheer attraction that lead us to losing ourselves in each other's arms. I sighed and nuzzled my face to the side of Sirius' face. I had begun to question myself, _Why_? Why me? Why did I have to feel attracted to Sirius now that I had finally decided to be with James? It's not that that I had been unhappy with him, but when I was with Sirius, I felt like someone completely different. _Trusting, trusting James Potter_.

"Lily?" came an echoing voice from the stairwell, there were faint footsteps and Sirius turned on his heel so quickly it hadn't even given me time to react. He moved to lean over the stone wall with his elbows propped up.

"Are you up here?" the voice continued to echo, but my mind was still in a fuzz to comprehend or put my head around the situation. Suddenly, all at once it I recognized the voice and my heat quickened in panic and my neck flushed red in fear.

"You know, it would have been smart of us to tell each other where to meet up," the voice was drawing closer, "If you're not up here then I've just been calling out like a loon and if you are, I just walked up from the kitchens and I never really noticed what a _long_ walk that actually is- Oh, Lily! And… Padfoot?" Remus had appeared by the entrance to the Astronomy Tower platform.

Sirius turned around and casually grin appeared on his face, "Wotcher Moony." He greeted before stuffing his hand down his pocket. He pulled out the familiar gold carton and summoned another fag. I whole heartedly resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

Remus didn't seem as casual, his brow furrowed confused, "What're you…" he trailed looking between Sirius and I, "Shouldn't you be helping James?" he look pointedly now.

I knitted my eyebrows, "Helping with…?" but Sirius looked away before attempting to light the fag. Remus looked back to me and shook his head dismissing the statement. It seemed he had forgotten I was present.

"Nothing," he pressed on while wrinkling his nose at the smell of smoke, "Sirius, I don't want to give you detention, but Lily is here."

I couldn't help but smile and Sirius looked up incredulously, "_Whut?_"

"He's only joking, Sirius." I grinned and Remus smiled along and I started walking towards him, "Let's head back, Remus, I've got a full schedule tomorrow." In reality I just needed to put as much distance between Sirius and me before I lost the last bit of sanity left in me.

Remus turned from looking disapprovingly at Sirius' bad habit to me. He nodded agreeing, "I've got Herbology quiz to make up…"

I didn't dare look back to Sirius and made for the exit. Remus asked Sirius if he was coming and said he would be right down after one last fag. Remus sigh defeated and warned him that the Ravenclaw and Slytherin prefects might be patrolling so to be careful.

When Remus finally finished his quick exchange with Sirius I heard the latter's soft voice ring out:

"Night, Red."

The year carried on and in the course I found out what exactly Sirius was supposed to be helping James with, why James had asked to reschedule his rounds with me, and why Sirius had had enough and needed a break to smoke in the Astronomy Tower.

James had planned a complete enchanted scavenger hunt complete with Gryffindor Common Room doused in heart balloons and paper hearts, pink and redder than usual the Common Room had my name littered everywhere with James' comical way of devoting his love to me.

I found him sitting on the table nearest to the windows grinning and chatting with Frank Longbottom who was pointing to an oversized Valentine's Day card with the inscription, "Will you be the Quaffle to my chase?" and another of a ghoul with a toothy smile holding a heart that said: "I'd give anything to be your pet."

I shook my head walking up to James with arms crossed, a small smile playing on my lips. He noticed my presence as I drew closer to him. Frank grinned at my arrival but waved off to the portrait hole.

"Nice prank, Potter." I began and watched his playful grin scatter his joyful face. He leaned further back and mimicked my arms.

"Thank you, Evans, can't say I can take all the credit." James tilted his head and his glasses slid further down his nose, the sight of his bright mischievous hazel eyes only cause my heart to jolt.

"Question is…" I trailed letting my eyes wander around the atrociously decorated Common Room, "will the detention be worth your attempt to revamp the common room?"

James bared his white teeth, what about James Potter _wasn't_ perfect?

"As long as the bird I fancy noticed it, I think it's pretty worth it," He winked and I rolled my eyes with my smile failing to remain trivial.

"The decorations are horrid, James." I allowed myself to giggle and shake my head eyeing all the balloons and cut out hearts.

"I know they are, Lily," He smiled genuinely and reeled me in to kiss the top of my head.

The rest of the year I attempted to avoid any contact with Sirius, with N.E.W.T.'s vastly approaching and a war unravelling- an affair was the least possible thing I needed to be worrying over. But, oh, did I miss Sirius Black. I missed his curiously hasty hands and his dominative mouth. His rebellious smile and the smell of his cigarette smoke on his robes. But most of all, I missed who I was with him. I missed the taste of caramel and found that any recollection of it was slipping my cluttered memory. Just one bite… one tiny bite to remind myself, but the chance to indulge myself hadn't appeared again during the school year.

Sirius had either been too busy being forced to study by Remus or partaking in his new favourite hobby. Eating Mary MacDonald's face in the Common Room, the corridors, the Hogwarts grounds, or the boy's dormitory. Of course, it came to no shock to the rest of the Gryffindors or up to date Hogwarts students that Sirius no doubt dabbled in dating and womanizing, but everyone always knew that there was something between him and Mary that could have pushed past dating.

They were brusque and passionate together, and the latter annoyed me the most. They bickered heatedly and kissed the same way but never had Sirius ever spent more than three months on and off dating Mary MacDonald, and as much as I tried to explain it- it bothered me. I'd leave abruptly when they entered the Common Room to avoid seeing her hands where I had once placed my own hands. My stomach felt sick and my head would pound with endless thoughts and notions as to why Sirius would spend so much of his time with Mary. Needless to say I began to avoid Mary; all she ever could talk about was Sirius, snogging him and being with him. That's when I realized as she finished retelling of her recent encounter with Sirius in the Astronomy Tower that I was jealous. I was jealous because I wanted to be the one retelling those stories, at least to myself, that it had been me he had picked up to push against a dusty old tapestry.

My stomach sank further and further with every detail she told and I found myself feeling like a kid again. The need to shove her away from an unclaimed dessert plate and yell: '_Mine!'_.

I'm not sure how I managed for the last few weeks of Hogwarts, the war was raging on and so was the one sided one between Mary and me. I had been dying for that stroke of luck, some sort of sign that Sirius and I would bump into each other alone again, but it never happened. I was rubbish at Divination, but I had been hoping that maybe just this one time I would be right.

Being in the same compartment as Mary and Sirius had been too much and I excused myself quickly, James was too enthralled in a game of Wizard Chess with Peter to have paid me any mind. Mary was too busy kissing Sirius with her legs draped over his the way mine once had been in the dark classroom. I felt sickly, green, my heart pounded harshly and I could feel a sort of cold sweat breaking on my forehead. I gave a shaky sigh as I closed the compartment behind me and just began walking. I wasn't sure where to but I found myself at the last cart and currently abandoned Prefect's cart. I placed my forehead on the compartment door and let the events of the last year fill my head, anything to remove Sirius from my thoughts. Such taboo.

My mind plummeted into the memories of the first kiss and how cold the weather had been, but never had I felt so warm. I thought of his fingertips across my skin, leaving an invisible trace forever; his deep voice breathy and confident, how it matched his expression- unwavering in confidence. The feel of his lips for the first time on my neck and his hasty hands searching for an answer on my skin as to why we do what we do.

"Are you okay…?" a soft and hesitant familiar voice spoke. I opened my eyes and turned to see Sirius standing there with his hands in his blue jeans. He locked eyes with me for a moment before looking down at his feet. Never had I seen Sirius so…cautious.

I pulled away from the compartment door and looked down to the handle, playing with it as to avoid even looking at him. If I looked at him any longer I wouldn't be sure what I would do. Running away was an option, hexing him was another, but the most prominent was kissing him. I cleared my throat and nodded.

"Fine." I replied curtly and thought of all the possible directions this conversation could head in. Sirius could walk away or he could stay, neither of them did I favour. We stood in awkward silence before looking up and seeing the same look of mingled concern and determination on his face.

"Are you sure…? You don't want to …talk?" and this statement incited cold laughter.

"Talk?" I asked and turned back to inspect the handle, "_We_ don't _talk_, Sirius." I said a lot more reproachfully than I intended to. I wasn't looking at him so I didn't know if the comment had affected him or not.

"Are…" he started again, "Are you _mad_ at me?" Sirius' tone was genuinely astounded and I felt myself feeling guilty. Of course, he hadn't done anything wrong so why had I been expecting him to submit to some sort of apology?

"No." I said coldly before I could stop myself and the raw feeling of anxiety returned.

"That's rich." He started with a tad more spite in his tone, "You're mad at me." He stated and I could see him cross his arms in my peripherals, "Brilliant. And may I have the honour knowing what for?" he bit angrily. Always the impatient hot head.

I looked up at him with a disgruntled look, "What are you doing here, anyway?"

Sirius avoided my eyes and stared past my shoulder angrily, "Don't change the subject, Evans."

"Oh, so we're back to 'Evans', are we?" I rolled my eyes and moved away from the compartment door to move past Sirius. The conversation was not going anywhere I had thought it might've and the unpredictability was frightening.

"Oh, come off it!" hissed Sirius blocking my way, "Why have you been avoiding me?"

I rolled my eyes in plain sight of Sirius and folded my arms, "I haven't. I've been busy." I attempted to sound as convincing as possible but the thought of Mary straddling him on the sofa in front of the fire crept in my memory.

"Right." Sirius replied sardonically and grabbed my arm before I started to push past him, "Talk to me." He pressed on and I felt my barrier waver at the demanding touch.

"Stop." I said softly and almost inaudibly, "Just… let go of me, please." And I tried to wretch free of his grip. Sirius didn't give in and put up a fight until I stopped trying when my nose felt a tickle.

"Evans," He said firmly, "Just… talk to me…" Sirius' gaze was fixed on me but I couldn't meet it in fear that he would be able to read right through me with his stony eyes. Without waiting for my reply he opened the Prefect's carriage and with his grip on me still, made me follow him inside. Once inside I closed the door behind me and turned around cautiously. Sirius was leaning against the window, his face clouded with expectancy.

I gave a defeated sigh and sat down on one of the empty seats and placed both hands at either sides of my face, elbows propped on my knees. I picked a spot on the floor and stared, unwilling to initiate the argument that was about to unravel.

"Lily…" and that's when it surged through me. The mention of my first name enticed thoughts and assumptions of him calling Mary by her first name the way he had done for me so many times before.

"Mary? Mary MacDonald? Mary Mac-_fucking_-Donald?" I spat letting my hands fall and turning to look at him with a scowl. Sirius looked annoyed, as if he was expecting this, but I continued none the less, "There are easier dim-witted slags you can try with, Sirius, honestly." I hissed and felt a familiar feeling of anger welling in my chest waiting to be expelled.

"Are you joking, Evans?" Sirius scowled back at me, his eyebrows knitted and angrily continued, "I mean, what the bloody hell was I supposed to do?" He argued back and his angry gaze did not leave my face.

"Not be with that slag _for one_." I barked back and stood up making for the door. I wasn't sure at all anymore where this would be heading and my gut was yelling to get out of there before I said anything else I would want to take back. But Sirius moved forward to grab my arm, his face expressed pure anger.

"Oh, so, I'm supposed to just wait around for you like some kind of… some kind of- of- _toy_?" Sirius growled and I turned my face away immediately. This was ridiculous and unnecessary, but it was deserved on both our behalves for even becoming involved in this. The guilt crept back into me and I tried to shake Sirius' arm off of me.

"No." he said harshly and kept a firm grip on me, "You ignored me, Lily. You continued to ignore me for months and I got _tired_ of waiting for you to be ready to be anywhere with me. Walking up and down empty corridors after hours, visiting empty classrooms and the Astronomy Tower- you were _never_ around and if you haven't realized, Evans," he growled lowly drawing me closer to me, my back still to him, "Every time had been a game of chance. The chance of us running into each other in empty corridors, the common room, a classroom- all of it, Evans, hadn't ever been planned- it just _happened_ and I got tired for waiting for the next chance. And I'm not the type of bloke who gambles with the _shit_ luck he has." He released his grip from me harshly and stalked back to the other end of the compartment.

But he wasn't done ousting pent up aggression, "Mary had always been there _before_ you and you know that, Lily, don't play dumb- I expect better from you."

My cheeks flared and I looked back at him, he was staring at me with folded arms and I glared.

"At least we both know Mary isn't _playing _dumb." I rolled my eyes and contemplated leaving but I knew very well Sirius would just bring me back in- he wasn't done with me yet.

"Come _off_ it, Lily," he said impatiently and aggravated, "For Merlin's sake, stop with the jealousy act! How the hell do you think _I_ feel when I see you and James rolling around the Common Room couch? Brilliant, you must think." He shook his head disapprovingly at me.

"That's different-"

"Oh, is it?" Sirius growled, "I told you, Lily. _I told you_, that this would get complicated- we were in too deep."

Anger boiled inside of me, "_What the hell do you mean with that?_"

"What I mean is that this has become complicated, you have a boyfriend- my best mate, I've gotten jealous, but I _can't have you_, Lily. Now that I'm with Mary, _you're_ jealous-"

"I'm not-"

"Come off it, you're jealous and this, whatever this is that we have, gets complicated." Sirius finished raising his voice over mine. I exhaled harshly and became scarily aware that someone outside the compartment might here and vouched to keep my voice down.

I close my eyes and try to calm down as much as I could but the images of Mary coming down the boy's dormitories so many nights made the sickening jealously feeling rear its ugly head. His hands in her black curls and her blue eyes flickering from his lips the way my own eyes once did.

I snapped and look at Sirius who was watching me expectantly, "_Why her?_" I breathed heavily and try to keep my voice as low as possible.

Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head, "You're pathetic, Evans." was all he said.

I twitched to get my wand and hex him to send him back to Mary as a toad so they could have their happily ever after, but I didn't. Instead I stepped closer to him and folded my arms angrily. My cheeks and neck were warm and I felt the anger surging to my head.

"Answer me." I demanded.

Sirius did not refrain from rolling his eyes annoyed again and turning to look away, "'Cause I reckon she's a good snog. Sound familiar?" and that was what pushed me over the ledge. I shoved him harshly against the window and stalked back to the compartment door, but this scene had played over too many times, Sirius drew me back and me with all this anger, jealousy, and pent up aggression forming in my chest led me to swat my hand harshly against Sirius' cheek.

He flinched. For once Sirius' expression waver and he released me to nurture his reddening cheek. Embarrassment and relief began to fill me and I looked away unsure if I were to apologize or just leave.

"Good." Was all Sirius said before turning away to lean against the window again, slight satisfaction overwhelmed me but it wasn't for long. "Good, get it all out." He hissed and advanced on me, as if changing his mind of having moved away.

"Come on," Sirius began and I looked away, about to turn around, "_Come on!_" He pressed on and held me by the shoulders so I could stare right at him. His face was dangerously close and not in the way our faces used to draw close. There was something dark in his face that yielded anger from looking at my face.

"Come on, Evans," barked Sirius, "Take another swing! How about a hex?" but I wriggled out of his grasp and shook my head in disbelief at him.

"You're a fucking psychotic mess, Black." I hissed lowly glaring at him.

"You're a fucking pathetic bitch, Evans." He growled back and didn't budge. Sirius remained glowering over me and searching my face for an answer. Before I could hold my tongue I found myself spilling out the most haunting thought I had had during the duration of the Mary-Black episode.

"Did you shag her?" I found myself asking darkly, my eyes were narrow slits and I fought back the embarrassment. It didn't help when Sirius' expression changed into a cocky smirk and pulled back to watch my face better.

"Why do you care, Evans?" His tone changed and it was clear he had the upper hand now.

I couldn't answer honestly because as much as I wanted to tell him I didn't, I did and I wasn't sure why.

"I'm not playing your stupid game, Black." I used as much force as I could muster to stand my ground. Sirius was unfazed and continued to smirk; I think he too realized this argument was all too familiar.

"What does it matter…" he continued and by this I could make my assumption from his enigmatic answers, "it wouldn't make a difference."

"Yes or No?" I said dangerously slow and continued to glare, my stomach surging with anxiety and jealousy. I felt sick and on the verge of exploding as a being.

Sirius exhaled and just nodded before averting his gaze. I inhaled sharply and close my eyes while I leaned backwards to the door, feeling around for the handle. I couldn't breathe, the room was spinning and I needed to get out. Everything in this moment was telling me to get down but I couldn't gather the courage to do it. I could feel the tears choking in my throat and I was trying not to think about it, but the harder I tried not to my chest was started welling with the strangest sensation of defeat and betrayal. I tucked in my lips and trying to breathe as normally as I could trying to turn the handle hastily, but I couldn't find the energy to turn it.

I felt the first few wet drops line the length of my eyelashes and fell before I could stop it.

"I need to go…" my voice had also failed me as it croaked and I refused to open my eyes and see Sirius- it would hurt too much. I could just see Mary and Sirius wrapped up in each other and this is when I began to tremble.

"I guess," I started again opening my eyes to stare at my feet, the pounding in my ears grew louder "I guess… I am pathetic… pathetic to even be jealous and care about who you kiss and… well…I'm stupid for forgetting who you are and how you are with your _birds_." I grasped the handle confidently and felt another tear slide down my cheek. I hastily wiped it away before he could notice. I was stupid, how could I have been so shallow? Pinning over Sirius and wanting him when James was right there ready and willing since our fourth year and… I was crying over Sirius' hands and lips all over Mary MacDonald.

Sirius said nothing and he didn't have to because it was clear that he had done nothing wrong. He was just being Sirius and I was… trying to be someone I didn't have to be.

With the little dignity I had left I looked up to see Sirius eyeing me with a sullen look on his face. I tried a much as I could to muster a smile, but it came up difficult.

"Lily…" Sirius began, "That's… not entirely true."

I shook my head, "But it _is_, Sirius…I'm not exactly available and if I were, it's not likely we would have lasted- you're …flighty." I concluded and leaned against the compartment door with a sigh, hand still tight on the handle.

Sirius said nothing but advanced towards me cupping my face in his hands and shook his head, "Lily…I…"he closed his eyes and opened them to reinstate his confidence, "I can't explain it- what I feel for you, but I just know I _can't _anymore. You more than me know that."

"You and James are together, you have plans, and those plans don't include me unless there's a wedding involved." Sirius' expression hardened, "As much as I want you, Lily, I just can't have you and I can't be jealous of James and I can't keep stealing kisses with you…No matter how brilliant of a snog you are." He attempted to humour me but it hadn't worked.

I let go of the handle and reached up to touch one of Sirius large pale hands. It had been so long that the feeling of familiarity seemed so close to recovering from a lost part of my memories. Sirius' gaze softened at the sudden gesture. He looked like he wanted to pull away and he shook his head continuously but eventually stopped because I was sure he was feeling what I was. The longing had restored, the fast jittery pace of our hearts, the impending moment of our lips about to touch, all of the tension that was welling up in the room was leading up to the moment of release- a great exhale. That first bite of caramel after so many months.

Sirius closed his eyes and touched foreheads with mine and was breathing rather ragged. He appeared to be trying to fight off whatever it was he was feeling so he wouldn't have to give in.

"I can't…" he started shaking his head against my forehead, "Lily…please…" Sirius had never pleaded, Sirius was not weak, Sirius was not the type of person to give up a fight, but in this moment he was. Hesitance in every tilt of his head and every breath, Sirius' lips finally brushed against mine and I exhaled in complete relaxation.

Sirius' touch was hesitant at first but gradually the familiarity returned and he grasped and groped in dominance as we both remembered. He stepped backwards until finally he hit one of the seats and pulled me down with him, straddling him and losing my hands in his hair. We recovered lost time and reunited with lost territory. Skin, hair, lips, and the faintest sounds we made. I hadn't cared about Mary anymore and how she once took a similar position devouring his soft pink lips the way I was now.

His hands were warm and his pace was slow. I hadn't wished for him to stop but we both knew in that instance we had to. We were in too deep and it had to stop.

Sirius looked at me with knowing eyes and shook his head. I understood immediately and nodded.

"I'm sorry…" He started and I moved off his lap to sit next to him, our hands finding each other without command.

"I'm sorry…" I whispered back while I felt his thumb trace my own. In this compartment we had the sudden realization of how messy the situation had gotten. How risky and wrong it had all become all of a sudden. We had stepped down from the cloud for just one moment and before we could climb back up, our senses kicked in. We had to do the right thing- once and for all.

"We can't do this anymore," he started throwing his head back on the seat and staring at the ceiling, "I want you, I want you more than I can possibly have you, but I can't- it won't ever happen."

I said nothing and merely nodded, my stomach had shrunk and I decided for the both of us that it would be best if one of us took the initiative. I leaned over to Sirius and kiss his cheek, his stumble grazing my lips and his head turned to capture my lips softly. _That_ was the first real kiss Sirius had ever given me, the infancy butterfly in your stomach sort of kiss. I looked to him sadly and let go of his hand. I stood up and made for the compartment door.

"Don't…" Sirius started and I turned my head to see Sirius looking up at the ceiling again, "Can you…not tell James…?"

I sighed and gave him and encouraging smile, "I won't tell James, Sirius…" and with one last look I finally opened the compartment door and stepped out.

The need for caramel subsided when I began to realize one should be happy they are even offered dessert. The need for Sirius grew less and less with the eminent war arising, with the guilt increasing, and the pain of jealousy worsening.

The world has a funny way of weighing out the good and the bad, and as James and I went into hiding I realized, that all this time I had been a ridiculous little girl. I would have to pay the price, not by means of impending death, but the little time I got to spend as husband and wife.

Sirius Black, I would always remember him for being right about me all along. I did have a fight in me and I didn't want to be typical Lily Evans. I sometimes come to think about if I hadn't been with James, if I would have tried with Sirius but the idea of a relationship with Sirius was ridiculous and almost impossible to imagine. He wasn't for me and I wasn't for him.

**A/N:**** Aaaaand there you have it :) ! Something that popped into my head a few weeks ago. I secretly ship Sirius/Lily for some time, I just hadn't realized it. Also, I am well aware Lily loved James, of course she does, but she just has an appetite for something more. She's human it's only typical she'd fall for the bad boy type- not saying James wasn't just he obviously softened a bit and our dear Lily was a little late on the bad boy bandwagon.**

**I also feel they have a very passionate relationship he's so stubborn, free, and proud and she's controlling and authoritative and I find this clash of personalities to be so well balanced to make passionate tension happen.**

**Once again, this is purely fanfiction, minor OOC, I don't believe either would have betrayed James, but come one- You question this, but you don't question Dumbledore/Harry **

**Anyway, enough about me ! Review Please! :) I know how good it is when you guys get reviews, so drop me a line !**


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